Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Dear Seth

Today is August 19th, a World Day of Hope for Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

I haven't made a prayer flag for today, as I just didn't have the time or resources to do so these passed few weeks.

I haven't visited your grave, a few countries and an ocean sit between.

I haven't lit a candle yet, because it's still light outside.

I'm sorry I can't do more for you; today and every other day. When I think about you my heart still hurts, and my arms still ache, just for you.

Your little sister is so wonderful and crazy and cheeky and happy and hilarious. She has so much energy and entertains everyone who sees her. I wonder if you would have been the kind of big brother egging her on, or the calm and quiet type who smiles secretly at her little jokes. I wonder how you would have played together, if you have the same smile, or laugh, or dance in the same way. Or those same chubby cheeks and bright eyes, or if you would have walked with your feeting turning slightly inwards too.

All these things I wonder, but what I do know Seth, is that you're brave, and kind, and spiritual, and safe where you are.

I know by the way you've touched my heart, and the way I feel when I sing your songs, and when I mention your name, and when someone else mentions you.

I know too, that you have left his earth; this mortal existence, but you've not left me, or Lily, or your Father, or anyone who might wish to feel you close. I know you are there, and strong, and comforting, and you are perfect in every way.

I still cry when I think of you, or when I hear the songs we sang at your funeral, and my heart swells when I sing your last song to Lily, which she just loves so much.

But my tears turn to joy when I think of the day when we will embrace each other, and fill each other up with peace as our arms fold over the other's back, and how at that moment, I'll be home, and so will you, and we'll be home together, and we'll never have to be apart again. It will be the most beautiful day.

Lily is so much like your Father, that I can't help but wonder if you would be just like me. And I think maybe you would.

There were so many dreams I had for you on Earth, and now I have hopes and dreams for you in Heaven too. I hope you are safe, and happy. I hope you are surrounded and loved. I hope you're someone's guardian angel, and someone's prompt to do the right thing. I hope your someone's reminder of Heaven, and someone else's missionary. I hope you remind people here that there's life after death, and death is not the end. I hope you sing whenever you can; music is eternal. I hope you strengthen people, and lift them up, and love them unconditionally. I hope you know I love you, and that I will never forget you, even for a minute.

I may seem busy, or occupied, or even displaced at times, but you're always there in the back of my mind, reminding me that life hurts, but it's okay, because life doesn't end on earth.

I love you Seth, keep being you, whoever you are, wherever you are, whenever you go, whatever you do; just be my son.

I pray for Heavenly Father to watch over you every day.

All my love,

Mum xoxox