Thursday, 12 July 2012

Just because...

So I am writing this post, just because I fancy having a little bit of a rant.

Yesterday was a bit of a rubbish day. I got home from work, and Pete had to go out which big-time SUCKS. I was on my own for the first time in over 3 weeks, and it hit me quite hard. I tried to get things done, and I did get some things done, but I just felts absolutely pants.

Pete came home hungry, so I attempted to make pasta bake. This is usually our staple food here in the Magpantay house, but last night it was just not happening. I was feeling so rubbish, that I put a splash of oil in the pan, emptied out the bag of pasta all that was left (which didn't even fill up the pan, and wouldn't have made a whole pasta bake anyway), and somewhere between boiling the kettle and talking to my Dad on the phone, I'd turned the hob on and left the pan of dry pasta on it.

One five minute phone call later and I have dry, black pasta, a ruined pan and a very stinky kitchen.

Up until then, I'd tried to hold it back, but then, just for a minute, I just had to cry. Everything was rubbish, I was rubbish, I felt rubbish, the food was rubbish, life was rubbish.

I've tried to clean the pan since about ten times, but it still just stinks. I don't think it will ever be the same... What an idiot.

I think I'm addicted to chocolate. It's gotten to the point where I will just devour a whole £1 double bar of Cadbury (most recently the Queen's Diamond Jubilee Ltd Edition) and still want more. So I ate a whole one of the "Nuts for Gold" bars today, and have just seen my way through half a box of Cadbury double chocolate fingers (or, to my lovely husband: Cadbury Sticks). And even though I feel sick at the amount I've eaten this morning, I can see them in the corner of my eye right now, and still want to eat the SO BADLY.

Has anyone got a healthy "chocolate fix" recipe that I can nab? I need to find a chocolate fix that won't make me feel so fat.

Isn't it just rubbish when things just do not turn out the way you want them to?

Pete is talking really loudly on the phone in German to his brother and keeps saying "Echt!?" and I don't know what it means and it' bugging me big time.

I have such a bad headache.

I hate those days when you just feel pants, and everything is pants, and you know it will be pants for ages, but there's nothing you can do to make it not pants.

And one more thing:
                      I'm not usually one to complain about the English weather. This is the country I live in, and can't stand it when people complain about the weather usually - "You live here, so deal with it" is my usual thought-response to UK weather complaints, but I have to say, it's just getting ridiculous now. It rained the whole way through April and May, most of the way through June, and now we're approaching mid-July and it's still raining. Give us a break, yeah WeatherMan??

I'm not usually this bitter about life. I'm actually a very positive person, but I'm just not feeling upbeat right now. I'm think I'm fully entitled to a "down-day" every now and again.

It's probably the lack of Vitamin D that's making me feel so absolutely pathetic and sorry for myself.

My husband just gave me a really lovely kiss, and I feel a little better now :)

Life is okay really. It could be worse. I get nervous about being negative, as I feel as though if I complain too much I'll be humbled by being given another humungous burden and trial to carry.

I do love life, and I am so grateful for all I have. It's just really, really hard sometimes.

Sunday, 8 July 2012


Life is, oh, so hard.

When I was a little girl, and had troubles such as losing a favourite doll, or my best pink t-shirt still hadn't come out the other end of the wash, or my Mum wouldn't buy me the wonderful knickers, I always thought that grown-ups had it easy. They had jobs, could watch whatever they wanted on TV, and buy and eat whatever on earth they wanted from the shops. They had the money, the food was in the shop - all they had to do was put it in the trolley and it was theirs! (I used to think that must be the best part about being a grown up, and used to dream of the day when I could put a chocolate gateau in my very own shopping trolley every single week).

As I got a little older, I "realised" that having whatever I wanted in my trolley wasn't going to be the answer to all of my grown-up troubles, and soon discovered that getting married would solve them all.

I started to "understand" that marriage was the key to happiness, and my very own Prince Charming (who would, by the way, let me put whatever I wanted in my shopping trolley) would be the answer to all of life's problems, such as; "Why won't Mum buy me that top?" or "Why won't Dad let me go to that party?". As a husband would buy me things without me having to ask, and he would just go to the party with me.

I was actually this naive until quite late in my teenage life.

But even if someone had told me when I was younger that finding a job is probably one of life's most stressful challenges, and that you have to count every penny you put in the trolley, especially when you're newly wed, and that happiness is more than a gob-smacking-ly beautiful man on your arm (even though I'm lucky enough to have one of them anyway...)
        Back to the point - even if someone was nasty/nice enough to tell me these things when I was younger, I doubt it would have made a blind bit of difference.

I look at my life, and I see a bounty of blessings.

Sometimes they're hard to see through the mist of trial and tribulation, surrounding towers of challenge and roads well-wandered...But when I sit back and wait for the fog to subside, and look closely through the gaps between the towers, and passed those well-worn roads, it is clear to see them all, lined up, fitting perfectly into the skyline that is my life.

I must admit, the skyline from my window isn't looking too wonderful; England is having a rainy and gloomy Summer, and my outlook on life is much like the present season. But the future looks bright, I see sunny days ahead, passed this stormy weather there must be a rainbow waiting to appear and bring hope to someone praying for a sunny day; someone praying, just like me.

So here's to those who are feeling the same, trying to find the light in their skyline; the sunshine on a gloomy day; their blessings in a world of strife.

Here's to you, and me. Here's to hope that we get through - find our way to the other side, where the grass is greener maybe? Or where the sun could shine through green leafy trees, or just where someone might just give us a chance.

Don't stop praying; someone's listening.

And here's to those thoughts of grown-ups that we all had when we were young, 
Thinking life is a breeze passed 18... 
Now that we know it's not, here's to turning 65, 
Hoping that will bring some smiles...
But for now, let's just enjoy every little thing in between.

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Wish you were here...

It has become very difficult to blog recently.

Although finding my New Normal is becoming easier, as I have started a new job as an Apprentice Estate Agent, which I am absolutely loving so far.

It's so odd to think that Seth's due date has now passed...

It was so difficult to come to terms with the fact that my pregnancy was cut so short. And now it is so difficult to try and come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be pregnant now anyway...

My heart is breaking, and my arms, like always, are aching.

I have a lump in my throat, and I'm blinking every second to prevent the sting from coming to my eyes which would inevitably mean that I would cry.

I know that sometimes it's good to cry, but now that I know I shouldn't even be pregnant any more, it feels strange.

But the knowledge of the absence of pregnancy either way, is nothing compared to knowing that I should have my child right now, in place of a bump.


I wish I could hold you in my arms right now. I wish I could sing our favourite song. I wish you were led here, between me and you Daddy in our bed, wiggling around, blinking your eyes and kicking your legs. I wish I could hear you cooing, and feeling your baby breath across my face. I wish I could stroke your soft hair, and touch your silky skin, like all brand new babies have. I wish little chubby fingers and thumb could clutch to mine as you try to smile and hold eye contact. I wish our dreams of you weren't shattered so. I wish I could hold your feet in one hand, and touch my nose to yours. I wish I could whisper to you, telling you I love you, knowing that you'd hear so clear. 

I wish you were here...

It feels so good to just put my feelings out there, even if no one's reading, to just know that they've been sucked into the "ether" or whatever. I do hope my words reach someone. I hope they make a difference.

I hope that from my words, my simple words, that somebody knows that they are not alone...