Today you should be massively pregnant, feeling miserable and anxious and overwhelmed at the anticipation of meeting the beautiful baby who has been rolling and kicking and hiccuping in your belly. You should be chubby and eating everything in sight and asking me all the ways to bring on labour... You should have gone into that labour and come out with a pink, chubby, screaming baby - who instantly stops screaming when placed lovingly into your arms. You should have had him to take home, to nurse him with your milk, smell his sweet newborn scent and feel the calm spirit of "everything is alright" in your beautiful home. You will have this one day - I'm sure of it, and when it happens it will be wonderful... But for now, and especially today, we remember baby Seth Peter Magpantay - your special baby who you will raise in the eternities. How terrible it is that you can't have him now, but oh how glorious will that reunion be - when you see the Saviour, in all His glory, proud of your achievements and faithfulness in this life and say to you "Here is your son, who I have saved for you to raise and love for all eternity." I know Seth is close to you - more often than you may think, but especially today. Just remember, that during the time when you feel the most alone and like no one is there... You are actually being held so tightly, you can't see or feel anything else. Love you Lucy and Peter. Hope you have a tender and sweet fay together in remembering what should have been, but looking forward with faith and hope in a more joyful and glorious future.
As I read these words, hot tears streamed from my eyes down my cheeks, that familiar ache pulsed through my arms, and my heart was full; full of hurt, pain, loss, remorse, sorrow, mourning... But also full of gratitude, hope, faith, and love.
Today should have been the day. But it wasn't.
Instead of my baby, I have my box. But oh, how grateful I am for that precious box and all that it holds, and for the hands that lovingly prepared it.
I am so grateful for all of the hands that have reached out and held tightly to our own, for all of the hearts that have been full for us, for all of the prayers that have been said out loud and whispered still, for every hug that we received that should have belonged to Seth; for every compassionate smile, every understanding word. For every cautiously written note, for all the gifts of remembrance; for every single tear shed on our behalf, and in memory of our Son. For all of the acknowledging looks, for all of the carefully phrased sentences, and for all of the love that has ever been felt for the loss of a child; I am grateful.
I wonder where I might be today - on this most special and significant say - without all that listed above. I wonder where my heart might lie, how my head might hang or how my tears would fall. Very differently, I think. For My heart is full of thanks, my head bows in humility, my tears fall for gratitude and grace.
For every soul that has lifted, embraced, touched, or felt my own, I give thanks, for those souls have kept me going - have kept me me. Thanks to those souls, I have not forgotten the worth of every single precious life that walks this earth. I have not forgotten who I am, where I came from, where I am going, or how I must get there.
For all of this I am grateful.
But I am most especially grateful for the one little soul who makes it worth it all.
The perfect example. The beacon of hope. The most precious soul of all.
It is strange to think I did not know who he was before he was created inside of me, for even though it just seems like yesterday that he came and left this life, I feel as though I have known him always. And I know I have.
So, this one is for you, my Seth. Thank you.
I cannot wait for the day that I will see you again, hold you, love you, be your Mother... Until then, I will pray for you every day. I will think of you every minute. I will hold you in my heart forever.