Tuesday, 15 May 2012

I will carry you.

I will carry you all my life. 
And I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you.

The words of this song ring so true in my ears.
There were so many things that my husband and I were looking forward to with our little boy.
I was looking forward to singing him songs; lullabies and nursery rhymes to calm him down or soothe him to sleep.
I couldn't wait to see him smile and laugh, and to smile and laugh with him.
I was so excited to hear him say his first word, and I so badly wanted it to be "Dad", to make up for the fact that my husband never felt him kicking from the inside.
I was nervous about telling him off, and whether I'd be able to teach all the right things at the right time.
I couldn't wait for the day that he'd take his first steps on his own, without our help, and then for him to play sport, and to watch him and cheer him on.
I was so looking forward to being his Mummy in every single way, and for the life that we were going to share as a family.

I miss those little kicks and pops that I could feel inside as he moved around.
I miss my husband talking to my tummy every night, and telling him how much we love him, and kissing my skin where his body would be.
I miss my check-ups, and checking my blood pressure, and talking about him with my midwife, and hearing his heartbeat.
I miss praying for his health, and asking that he'd be all right, and that he'd be happy and well inside of me.
I miss smiling as I talk about him, and giggling at his scan photos.
I miss my hopes and dreams for him.
And I miss the man he might have been here on Earth.

But I am grateful for all that he was to my husband and me.
I am grateful for his kicks and pops, and the memory of those movements.
I am grateful that I carried him well, and I kept him safe and happy.
I am grateful for the health professionals who always kept us in check.
I am grateful for the knowledge that I did all I could for my little boy.
And I am grateful for the man I know his is, and that I'll get to meet one day.

And I will carry him for the rest of my life,
In my mind and in my heart,
By my side he'll always be;
I know he's watching over me.

To anyone reading this who has lost their little one, and despairing because they don't know where they are, rejoice, for they are well. They are chosen ones of a loving God who watches over us constantly. We are choice Mothers, who have been chosen to carry our Heavenly Father's perfect children, who were just too precious, and too lovely to walk this earth. Rejoice that they have escaped the tragedy and turmoil that riddles this mortal existence, and know that you will have them to raise again.

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